“We regret to inform you that Riley did not respond to the medicine that could restart his heart and passed away just now. We cleaned him and placed him in a box. we are so sorry for your loss. The clinic opens at 9am po. Kindly drop by the clinic po.” 08:38 of Oct 5th 2020.
As if the start of 2020 wasn’t hard enough because of the Taal eruption, Covid has to hit the whole world too. Major businesses had to close. Millions of people had to lose their jobs, the remaining people had to struggle to keep their jobs. Millions of people had to die.
As if all of that weren’t hard enough, I had to lose my bestfriend too. October 5th 2020. The worst day of my life.
The last words from the last entry of this journal (from 2018) says:
“So I was finally balancing and tackling the trials of life. But another realization hit me like a ton of bricks – I am alone. The horror!
See, I thought once I started earning on my own, I would eventually live independently. But the truth is, I don’t like being alone. It’s sad when I have no one to talk to.”
Well I didn’t need to feel alone for a while after that, because a few months later, Riley came into my life.
It was a whole another experience. Since we took him in when he was just 10 days old, we had to raise him without his canine mommy. That’s some kind of responsibility that I had learned to embrace as days went by. He’s sooo cute that it was just him, me, pure bliss and joy. He’s my son. My canine baby, but my baby that I loved since day one.
For a while, I was happy. For a while I was not alone. We were learning patience together. He’s learning from me, and at the same time he was teaching me how to be patient with him. He’s stubborn as fuck, but very loyal to me – the trait that I really appreciated the most. And we lived happily ever after..
And then Covid hit. And as days went by, uncertainty started to surface. Depression started to creep in. But there’s Riley and he makes me really happy, and calm, and positive. And he would lick all the tears away. And he would shoo all the negative feelings away by just being very patient and very receptive of numerous hugs throughout quarantine. A ball of happy fluff that I get to embrace everyday. He’d listen to all my nonsense. We’d share butter cookies. He’s happy, I was happy.
WAS.
I thought I could ride through this whole quarantine positively.
But then, on October 5th 2020, he left me.
Why did he have to die? I dont fucking know.
But it what it is. It hurts so fucking much. I’ve already cried my whole heart this past few days. I’ve never been so fucking sad in my whole life. I’ve never cried like this before.
And then I realized, I’m all alone once more. And it’s the worst fucking feeling ever. I got to experience really great company – the best I could have ever hoped for – then I got to experience it taken away from me.
Right now we’re still in quarantine. Covid is still just around the corner. I cannot hug or even see my human bestfriends since March, but I got to do all that with Riley. Until now.
Now I can only hug his toys. I can only talk to his grave.
I cannot pet him anymore.
I’ve never really put more thought on the idea of “love” and “loss” before. I understand it now. Especially the relation of the two. It’s the worst of the worst feelings in the world, ever.
It’s funny to think that if I’m gonna die today, I will think of Riley and I won’t be afraid. I will think of him waiting for me just like the goodest boy that he is, and I wont be afraid.
I’m just afraid that this feeling that I’m experiencing right now won’t go away soon. I’m just afraid to be stuck here, in this state, sad and alone.
Riley, you were the goodest boy. If only I could hug you and speak to you again, for one last time, I would. Be a good boy in doggy heaven. I miss you and I love you, bud.
Stupidity and Ignorance 