Quarter Life Crisis is Real

At college, I thought I already went through hell and back whenever I’d come home wasted (or didn’t come home at all) from a night out with friends, while trying hard not to fail all my subjects. Kid, life was only preparing me for God knows what to come. Aka adulthood.

I’ve made A LOT of decisions during my early 20s that I wish I never made.

I jumped into my very first ever relationship, fell in love, fell out of love, made a fool out of myself. Basically I was a mess. I was in this “couple” bandwagon but I had no idea what I was doing. I put my trust in my then partner, some time later I decided that trusting is bullshit. There were times where I would start a fight, he would be mad or he would leave, I would chase him for hours, would realize it was pointless, then would cry and soak my pillows at night. Oh, young love. We broke up, cut all ties, and moved on.

I worked my ass off, earned some money, and decided that life does not revolve around some man you met when you were young. I was once again free. With no goals in mind, I visited every nearby (and not so nearby) bars, drank til I drop. Some times I would get wasted but most of the time I’d ponder on how good this life was and remind myself that my friends are my lifetime treasures. And I mean it, life was good.. Until it was not.

I was 25 and I haven’t set a single goal for the future. Life became boring. Friends became distant. Too much alcohol became too much coffee (not that I’m complaining). My career became a “job”.. So I quit my job. And decided to change things a bit with my life!

I finally had a taste of freedom again! You see, freedom is sweet – I got to spend more time with family, be involved with the community, explore a little bit of the nice things and places. But at the same time it’s bitter. Sometimes changing things just to experience the other side of the wheel doesn’t grant good results.

So after all the fun activities settled down, there I was – the woman who took a step out of her comfort zone, staring at the sky, jobless, penniless, still without dreams. It was the first time that I felt really useless. And that feeling lasted longer that I expected.

Dread and depression started to set it. I became lazier than ever. I was very unsure of myself. I felt like I wasn’t good enough in everything that I try to do, and that I wouldn’t accomplish and achieve things on my own. But maybe that was just the laziness talking. But all the feelings were real, I felt so down that every inch of me tried so hard not to just cry. (There was a time though.. That I was staring at a distance, alone, contemplating what just happened in a span of a year, and I almost cry). The tears didn’t come. Or they did. I was so lost that I think my memory decided to blur all the details.

Now I’m slowly starting to get back on track. I’ve been hydrated. I’ve gained a good amount of weight – Okay, I’m not so happy that I gained weight, but at least I’m no longer feeding off scraps from the family table. 🤣
I still owe someone a pretty good amount of money from when I was down in the gutter and my family expected me to pay the bills, but I’m trying to earn and save and.. you know the drill.

So I was finally balancing and tackling the trials of life. But another realization hit me like a ton of bricks – I am alone. The horror!

See, I thought once I started earning on my own, I would eventually live independently. But the truth is, I don’t like being alone. It’s sad when I have no one to talk to. When random ideas pop up and I don’t have someone to share it or have a discussion about it. But that’s another story for next time.

Quarter life crisis.. I think I’ve had enough. Someone tell me when will this stop.

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Untitled (May, the 4th)

Should I tell you that I’m nervous
That I don’t want to sleep and face another day
Should I tell you that I’m lonely
If I could only turn back to last year

The earth is spinning
Faster than my mind can comprehend
I’m afraid I’m stuck

Time is running
Faster than my memory can remember
I’m afraid I’m out of luck

If we can only flip the earth’s movement
But even superman can’t turn back time to save her girl

I’ve been watching the sky
Change hue from blue to orange
I’ve been capturing clouds
To preserve fluff, hide signs of damage

I’ve been sitting for a year
Watching planes come and go
I’ve been isolated
No one even knows

Should I tell you that the seasons show
That everything changes
Everyone expects me to grow
Should I tell you that I’m tired and I’m lost
And I’m struggling to change the effects of my choice

Dreams / Reality

I’ve kissed the heaven in my dreams
I was floating but not really
It tasted like vanilla clouds and minty sky
At the same time it tasted like soft pillows
For it tasted like dreams

I’ve kissed the person of my dreams
In my dreams, literally
It tasted like different bursts of rainbow
At the same time it tasted bland
For it tasted like dreams

I’ve kissed death multiple times in my dreams
Not really
But it tasted like poison and fear and sadness
At the same time it tasted like life
For it tasted like dreams

The Bum Life

bum1
bəm/
informal

noun

NORTH AMERICAN
noun: bum; plural noun: bums
  1. 1.
    a vagrant.

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Everyone has gone through this.  (Right?)

I’m really not sure.

As a 26-year old individual, I am in this point where everybody (or most people) is expecting that I should have known by now which paths to take, which decisions to make, and which kind of life I choose to live. I know I’m not alone in this and there are tons of younger and even older versions of me out there that are also stuck in this quicksand called life.

I’m not here to talk about our life struggles. I’m not here to give out life lessons and life quotes to somehow make us all feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I am a very optimistic person, but I’m not a professional adviser. I’m not in the right position to say that “things will get better”; “you just have to believe in yourself”; “you’re just tracking the longer road but you will get there eventually”; “don’t push yourself too hard”. Heck, I’m even a self-proclaimed bum.

As much as I wanted to believe in these words, I can’t. Simply because somehow I enjoy the mishaps presented to me. I mean, life is supposed to be filled with surprises, right? I don’t like living by the book. And I know people who also find happiness by being just the way they are.

Am I lazy? Yes.

Do I enjoy feeling lazy? Yes.

Do I like being lazy? I hate it.

Laziness has been my longest, most despised frienemy for years. It’s like my shadow. I’m practically wifed to Laziness. It’s like a drug, where you love the feeling of it that you just can’t stop craving and going for it, but you know that it will cause huge effects on you to the point where it will just basically ruin everything in your life. (Haha, that’s a bit exaggerated but) being in this situation for too long got me overthinking (in particular) about where do I end up in the future.

Some might actually think that laziness has something to do with failing in life. Sir, I very much agree to that statement. Sir, I am already walking towards you to join your circle.

I hate to say it, but yes it is. And I hate to also say this, but I think I’m at this verge of a black hole where one last push and I’ll be doomed for the rest of my life. And yes, I’m still talking about our friend Laziness.

So, how do I tackle Laziness out of my system? If I’m able to enjoy these couple of so-called “mishaps” in life then I should be fine, right? Wrong.

I have read plenty of pages online on how to help us “divorce” Laziness. Setting up goals, and practicing this word: motivation, and as far as to seeing psychiatrists.

You already know what I did.

Nothing.

I practically just read all of those, but did nothing.

Why? I’m just too lazy.

Like I said, I’m not here to help you overcome these kinds of things. (Too lazy for that haha.) But I’m here, same as you. And maybe once in a while our optimism will fail us and depression will set in, but I know one thing that no one else know besides you and me, we always try. And what we have will always be so much more than what meets the others’ eyes.

PS. If you are reading this, please consider listening to Mumford and Sons‘ song “After the Storm“, and let’s try to climb our hills together. 🙂

Wormhole

Reaching out for heavens
Arms raised
Back against the cold hard
surface
As rain go pouring down
Down my face

I wish i could but i could not
Forget
Now im left with all these
Regrets
Can i go Back in time
Back in space

Cause we, you see
Are living in this stupid selfish
Vivid dream
Where you and i the only ones
We knew exist
How long’s it gonna last?
I dont wanna wake up

Now no longer feeling that
Embrace
My soul is stuck at its own
Wrong pace
Can i go trap the time
Trap the space

Cause we, you see
Are breathing the same selfish lie
I wish was real
Where you and i the only ones
I cant resist
To try to somehow make it last
I dont wanna wake up

Alter ego / This kind

She has the ability to love and the right to be happy. She likes seeing smiles. She likes warm and tight hugs and the idea of expressing love in every way.

Love is everything and nothing.
Love makes all worries and discomfort diminish. But love brings worries and lots of discomfort and uncertainty and sadness.

She encountered love but did not know how to handle this kind of love. This kind of love makes her happy and giddy and contented. This kind of love is genuine. This kind of love is real.

This kind of love is silly though. It’s shy and it’s sometimes unaccepted. It’s not perfect.

She wishes she has all the right words to say, to be able to express how much she cares, because she holds a love that is too strong, but is too weak to offer.

Love is not a game so she told herself “I can.” She was sure at one point but every time, uncertainty will come creeping in and all the confidence she built will crumble down. This kind of love is real and this kind of love will be wasted. It’s bad and it makes her sad.

She is writing a promise today that she will not give this kind of love to any other person. This is a promise only for her favorite person.

Her heart is in shards. It’s broken. It will not repair or rebuild or mend itself. Waiting is depressing. Crying is her new found best friend. She does not shed tears though. She weeps from the inside where the pieces of her heart are scattered.

Everything is gone. Her idea of love is shattered before her. She will not be able to sleep at night. She will begin to question every choice she made and every choice she has planned awaiting the right time to be executed. There will be no right time anymore. Ther will be no more planned choices. The table is empty and she’s stuck. Sigh. Back to weeping.

Her love is not a secret. But it’s likely that she can’t show it to the world. She can’t be proud but she was happy at those moments that she can present and prove her love. It might not be considered or returned the same way but it satisfies her that she can give genuine love without expectations.

It might only last until this day and she will have to force herself to move forward, but she embraces the moments they shared.

Love is everything. If she’s able to love, maybe she will be able to hope for better days to come. Hoping is a better alternative than weeping anyway.

So she will hope and she will wait and she will give her utmost ability to preserve the love and hold on to it until after the rain.