At college, I thought I already went through hell and back whenever I’d come home wasted (or didn’t come home at all) from a night out with friends, while trying hard not to fail all my subjects. Kid, life was only preparing me for God knows what to come. Aka adulthood.
I’ve made A LOT of decisions during my early 20s that I wish I never made.
I jumped into my very first ever relationship, fell in love, fell out of love, made a fool out of myself. Basically I was a mess. I was in this “couple” bandwagon but I had no idea what I was doing. I put my trust in my then partner, some time later I decided that trusting is bullshit. There were times where I would start a fight, he would be mad or he would leave, I would chase him for hours, would realize it was pointless, then would cry and soak my pillows at night. Oh, young love. We broke up, cut all ties, and moved on.
I worked my ass off, earned some money, and decided that life does not revolve around some man you met when you were young. I was once again free. With no goals in mind, I visited every nearby (and not so nearby) bars, drank til I drop. Some times I would get wasted but most of the time I’d ponder on how good this life was and remind myself that my friends are my lifetime treasures. And I mean it, life was good.. Until it was not.
I was 25 and I haven’t set a single goal for the future. Life became boring. Friends became distant. Too much alcohol became too much coffee (not that I’m complaining). My career became a “job”.. So I quit my job. And decided to change things a bit with my life!
I finally had a taste of freedom again! You see, freedom is sweet – I got to spend more time with family, be involved with the community, explore a little bit of the nice things and places. But at the same time it’s bitter. Sometimes changing things just to experience the other side of the wheel doesn’t grant good results.
So after all the fun activities settled down, there I was – the woman who took a step out of her comfort zone, staring at the sky, jobless, penniless, still without dreams. It was the first time that I felt really useless. And that feeling lasted longer that I expected.
Dread and depression started to set it. I became lazier than ever. I was very unsure of myself. I felt like I wasn’t good enough in everything that I try to do, and that I wouldn’t accomplish and achieve things on my own. But maybe that was just the laziness talking. But all the feelings were real, I felt so down that every inch of me tried so hard not to just cry. (There was a time though.. That I was staring at a distance, alone, contemplating what just happened in a span of a year, and I almost cry). The tears didn’t come. Or they did. I was so lost that I think my memory decided to blur all the details.
Now I’m slowly starting to get back on track. I’ve been hydrated. I’ve gained a good amount of weight – Okay, I’m not so happy that I gained weight, but at least I’m no longer feeding off scraps from the family table. 🤣
I still owe someone a pretty good amount of money from when I was down in the gutter and my family expected me to pay the bills, but I’m trying to earn and save and.. you know the drill.
So I was finally balancing and tackling the trials of life. But another realization hit me like a ton of bricks – I am alone. The horror!
See, I thought once I started earning on my own, I would eventually live independently. But the truth is, I don’t like being alone. It’s sad when I have no one to talk to. When random ideas pop up and I don’t have someone to share it or have a discussion about it. But that’s another story for next time.
Quarter life crisis.. I think I’ve had enough. Someone tell me when will this stop.