These are Just Feelings

A day before i turn 23, i bumped into He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named in this common mall people usually hang out or go to after work. Funny how chance or what others say ‘destiny’ falls right upon your face whenever you least expect it. Funny, because just moments before i enter the mall i was thinking about him; about two years ago when this i-dont-care-about guy sent a greeting cake which, who knew, would be the start of some love story i never thought i would live my next years with.
Anyway, returning back to the present, he was there right in front of me all over again. But this time it was not just his back that i laid eyes upon. i was face to face with the man i used to love, the man who sent that goddamn greeting cake exactly two years back, the man who broke my fragile and innocent heart.
As electrical energy flowed upwards my whole body during that time, i never even remembered if i managed to push a smile or a nod before him. I never wanted to be rude that some time ago, i already planned how to acknowledge his presence whenever a situation like this would occur, so some smile or nod were already scripted. But plans fail sometimes at the exact moment of execution.
His hair was long and messy, his face was smug. Me? Well im still this pretty girl around the corner, slaying dragons, killing thugs, and making wonderful people happy. :3
But at least im proud to say that i can now look straight at his eyes.
Minutes after midnight of my birthdate, an unregistered number messaged to greet me. Just reading the text and i knew all too well its him. Well, i also planned some time ago to be a good girl during my birthday so for mere seconds, i threw away all my you-wont-get-anything-out-of-me-from-now-on-attitude and i messaged him back with “thanks”. Then he replied with the usual smiley that the both of us used to express “^_^”. Then that’s that. If that made him smile then good for him. As for me, i am satisfied with things. Yes, i can still say he’s still the sweetest guy that i ever came across with. Though, he’s not and will never be the one fit for some kid like me. And i would never wish for us to get back again together, because simply put, the idea is just plain ass stupid. And im now happier with how things are. ๐Ÿ™‚

Staying up late and writing about a guy, well, happy birthday to me.

Rainy Days.

Stuck at home, no work, no school. Aside from tuning on weather updates and news, being productive within the time given was my most favorite thing to think and be problematic about.ย  I mean, how would I spend these 2 whole days of the week which were supposed to be spent at the office to burn and work my arse and brains off? It’s difficult, you see, deciding how many lame activities would fit. So, much as I would like to have something good to do, I’ve never had the chance to push myself to the more “productive” me, hence this post! ๐Ÿ™‚

During these two consecutive weekdays off, here’s some of what I have done:

Consume more food.

Is it the cold weather or what? Because since yesterday up til today I was eating a lot. And I can’t say being at home was the main reason, because usually during the weekends I only take 2 meals per day. And that wouldn’t amount to what I had consumed for only 2 days. T^T (boo me)

Consume more caffeine.

Yeps, more coffee and more soda. I think my body was now short of water. (I’m sorry my wonderful body for thirsting you). I was too disappointed whenever my coffee quickly cools, that every time it doesn’t satisfy me I have to prepare myself another cup. And the soda was supposed to be drank only for a one-sitting movie that I watched, but since I bought the biggest bottle and no one wants to drink soda with me, I have to consume the whole amount within two days. (boo me).

Forget Sleep.

It was supposed to be a bed weather. And usually it was one of the benefits of staying at home to grab the opportunity to rest. But I don’t.ย  I go to bed late then I wake up early. I’m such a.. ugh I don’t know maybe a stupid woman? Now I’m having regrets of not having enough and proper sleep. (boo me)

Watch Series. Watch Anime.

Not having any more regrets here. Free days should be fun, even though you’re alone. Aaaannd.. being able to watch YamaPi and Erika Toda again together since Code Blue is just holy-fvckin-awesome! kickass.to for Shingeki no Kyojin releases and ‘devouring’ the episodes simultaneously! >:) *evil laugh

Play GTA IV.

Cause I haven’t played for 8 months! And getting back on the track (or should I say, on the road) feels good, that I haven’t realized I had played for 6 hours non-stop just today. Heck, I even almost forgot that I would be exerting extra 16.4 hours of work for the next working days to come to work off these 2 days that I failed to report for work. But whatever, everyone knows it won’t hurt having fun sometimes. ๐Ÿ™‚

Play the Guitar.

Already given. Because who can resist such good acoustics during rainy days?

Now, having had enough of the long days off, I just now wish the rain to calm down, before flood reached our area. Because work awaits me, and the additional too much hassle on the road won’t help.

So, enough rain. You know what they say, “lahat ng sobra masama“.

Hihi brrr… :3

Defining Terms Usually Heard.

Stressed.
When nothing’s going right and everyone just seems to grab all your powers and drain your strength, and you try your hardest but your hardest still won’t amount to anything for anyone. And all you ever need was some time for yourself but you still can’t have even a tiny bit of it.
Depressed.
You started to swear and curse and hate everyone who you think was responsible for all you’ve been going through. And you rant just all about the stupid things that you have encountered during the day. You drown yourself in alcohol, you spend a lot, and at the end of the day you crawl to your little corner and cry about the unfairness of life.
Tired.
The daily routine consumes you, making it more difficult to stop at what you do. And all your mind and body wanted was to take a good rest but you have to obey all orders and do what needs to be done. And a time will come when you will have to suffer physical and emotional weaknesses. And nobody can cure you but sleep.
Sleep.
When everything seems to be getting out of hand, and your body cannot take all the strain, and you miss your loving bed and its sweet scent, and you only know just what to do. Running back home and taking the soft ang caring sheets in, until you slip out of reality.

Random_Thoughts_002

Having a night out during mid-weekday, getting wasted, sacrificing the next morning’s productivity and failing to report for workย  –so much for some random happening.

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Being a Listener.

Something I’ve learned during adulthood: A good friend is a good listener. Someone who never speaks as if he/she was some kind of psychologist, but someone who’s just being there as a company, just shutting the hell up, just having and experiencing the fun.

Yes, getting drunk, getting wasted, and feeling like shit were so much for some random happening, AND ALSO all for supporting your friend, and being there as someone to share and talk to.

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One of the best things life has to offer:

Someone to talk to; Having good conversations with people you most likely cherish. Spitting out your emotions, then having a good laugh right after. Staying up late and feeling good.

Yes, I got tons to do (each and every fvckin workday) up til mid-September, but I don’t worry (no, not yet). Long as I’m surrounded by these wonderful people.

One Friday Lunch Break.

11:38 AM

Depression.

Yours truly never knows what she is feeling right now. All she knows is that all of a sudden it hits her: the feeling of worthlessness, being irresponsible, carefree. I haven’t had a good talk with my friends for a while now. I haven’t saved anything for the past two years. I spend a lot. I waste my time. I’m not doing things I’m supposed to do with enough ability. I can never make anyone smile; I can’t uplift anyone else’s mood. And just recently I feel like some part of someone’s anger and irritability was because of me. Someone’s leaving again today and some parts of me are making me feel a bit sad.

11:50 AM

It’s getting hard to move a muscle. I’m supposed to write but..

11:51 AM

I wish time would stop. I wanna daze in the nothingness which surrounds me. I feel like I’m sitting in a spot where everyone’s blurred and in slow motion.

11:53 AM

What is life?

For just less than a month from now, I will be celebrating my 23rd year here on this wretched place called Earth (I wish I had gained something). Still I’m not able to understand and comprehend things around me: “Why do I feel this way?” “Why am I thinking things?” “How can this and that happen?” “This is my point of view –how am I viewing this?” “What does faith mean?” etc. etc. etc. How can someone live his/her life with too many questions unanswerable and in-understandable by anything or anyone? What’s the purpose of Science? What’s the purpose of Religion? Where am I?

12:01 PM

Time.

I got a lifetime to do or say things I need or want to do or say, yet I feel like time is always my worst friend.

12:05 PM

Converse.

“Is there anything I can do for you?”

I feel like shit. But still there’s always someone or something that a person like me should attend to first, even if it means ruining the flow of thoughts while I am writing. Sometimes some people should just learn how to mind their own business and not step and meddle with someone else’s.

2:10 PM

Why am I writing upside down?